I'm Sorry
by justanoutlaw
Summary: Emma is sorry, sorry she grew up, sorry she wasn't what her parents expected. Snow is sorry that she's hurt her daughter so much, that she grew up alone. And this is how they told each other all of that.


I saw this post on Tumblr, about how they thought Snow was a terrible mother because of her confession in Neverland. It bothered me, a lot because I think we all know that it was taken very much out of context and that she does want Emma, she just wasn't expecting to at one minute have a newborn and the next a 28-year-old who didn't need any parenting, really. It makes sense that she would want another baby, it doesn't mean she didn't love Emma. So, this came to mind, showing both Emma and Snow's struggles, after Neal was born. Lots of Mama Snow feels ahead…

* * *

Emma sat in her chair, watching her mother rock the baby. Snow looked so happy, as she always did when she was holding Neal. Even when the baby was screaming and crying, the ever-optimistic queen just smiled down at her little prince. The blonde wasn't jealous of her brother, that's what she tried to tell herself, as her mother's words from Neverland echoed throughout her head.

" _But she's all grown up…and as much as I want to pretend I'm okay with that, I'm not."_

 _I'm sorry I grew up,_ Emma thought to herself. _I couldn't help it. I wasn't affected by the curse in that way._

" _What we have with her," Snow had continued. "Is unique. But…it's not what I wanted."_

Deep down, Emma knew what her mother had meant. She didn't mean that she didn't want Emma. Of course, she had, she had been fighting for her since the moment they knew who each other was. In the Enchanted Forest, her mother had nearly killed Mulan for putting Emma in danger. In Neverland, she pushed her daughter to call her mom. Her mother wanted her.

She just hadn't wanted this relationship with her daughter, not yet.

And still…it hit Emma like a brick. All her life, she had been unwanted. She never had someone to look out for her, to love her. And in that moment, she felt as if she wasn't good enough. Hell, she had shared that very thought with Snow not long before, about how she felt like an orphan. And the queen had assured her that it was her job to fix that.

Then this.

It wasn't Snow's fault. They all had to admit their darkest secrets. She knew her mother would never hurt her like that, she clearly had all those thoughts bottled up for some time. And if they had never gone to Neverland, Emma may have never known.

Didn't change the searing pain in her chest. Bringing her back to being that lost little girl, who thought her mommy didn't want her. That she hadn't been good enough to be her daughter.

When she found out her parents were royalty, she always worried about being princess material. She was a former thief turned bounty hunter. She ate like a teenage boy and acted like someone sometimes. Definitely not princess material, definitely not what would be acceptable in the Enchanted Forest.

" _When we get off this island and get back to Storybrooke, I want another go at it. I want another baby."_

In that split second, Emma had hoped with all her might that the rocks wouldn't crumble out to continue the path. That it was a lie, just a dream. So she could get rid of all that pain in her heart. And yet…it had.

She thought of the Mommy and Me class, when she commented on how much stuff her baby brother had.

" _We wanted to give him everything."  
_

Of course, her mother meant nothing by it. And of course, Emma wanted Neal to have more than she ever did. She never wanted her brother to feel the pains that she had. He deserved the world and he should have it. Emma would've had it too; she saw the nursery. She saw the plans that her parents had for her. She was going to be the most spoiled princess in all the lands.

But when her mom looked at her, with fear in her eyes, all she could think was…

 _I'm not enough._

It was unsure if Neal would have magic. He was the product of true love, but he hadn't exhibited any signs. But even if he did, he was younger. He'd have more time to learn, he would never nearly kill someone as a result. Snow had said that she never wanted to make her think they were afraid, but how could they not be? She had nearly killed her father.

The Snow Queen was now long gone and they were trying to deal with the queens who wished to turn her heart dark. And yet, there were still quiet moments, like these. Where Emma could sit and watch her mother and baby bro and have nothing but her painful thoughts to think about.

 _Just a lost little girl, who didn't matter. And didn't think she ever would._

"Emma?"

Her head snapped up out of her thoughts and she looked up to see her mother standing there, looking worried. Emma couldn't understand why, until she realized she was crying. Not just crying, actually, sobbing. Her whole body was shaking and she couldn't make it stop.

"Emma, what's wrong?" Snow asked, as she knelt before her daughter.

"I…I'm sorry," Emma blubbered out. She couldn't hold it back anymore.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" Snow whispered, rubbing her daughter's arms. This wasn't like her daughter, at all.

Emma drew some deep breaths, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry that I grew up. I…I couldn't help it! I mean, I wasn't in Storybrooke after the curse, I aged."

Snow looked confused. "I know."

"I wish…I wish I could've had you raise me and I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you expected."

The realization of what was going on washed over Snow and she was hit by immense guilt.

"Emma…"

"And Neal should have everything, he should be all you wanted. I'm just… I'm sorry I wasn't that!"

The blonde buried her face into her hands and Snow sat there for a moment, tears spilling down her own face.

" _That look in his eyes, the despair. I had it…when I was in the foster system. Just a lost little girl, who didn't matter, who didn't think she ever would. A little girl, who cried herself to sleep at night, because she wanted her parents so bad."_

 _I'm sorry,_ Mary had thought, though she didn't dare cut her off. _I'm sorry I wasn't there. I wish I had been. I wanted to be. I had no choice.  
_

Snow hadn't been there. She wasn't there for her little girl. All those nights, while her baby cried, she was stuck in a town with no memory of her. And she still felt guilt over that, even though she shouldn't. A part of her thought that she should just know. Curse or no curse, that was her daughter. And she was out there, alone. Feeling unloved.

She thought of the times that she had felt Emma kick in her stomach and all the love and joy she felt for that daughter. The plans she had as she designed the nursery. She would teach her to take her first steps, how to speak her first words. They would dress for Emma's first ball together, just as she had done with her ow mother.

Snow wanted to go back in time, to hug that lost little girl and bring her home. But, she couldn't.

Her confession in the cave…it was one she never hoped to say out loud. She had planned on talking to David about having another child, but not like that. She did want another baby, for all the reasons she listed. But she never wanted her daughter to know how she felt, because she knew what that would do. She had just promised Emma that she would do all she could to not make her feel like an orphan and yet, in that moment, she had failed. She had no choice, it was the only way. But that still haunted her, to this day.

When they were separated by the lost year…she did want to find Emma. She did. She thought about it constantly. But she also thought about how happy Emma must have been. And that hurt too, because her daughter's happiness was in a world that she wasn't in. And when they were reunited, she worried that Emma would feel that she didn't have a place in Storybrooke with Neal on the way. Snow could see the look on her face when she watched them. But Emma had stayed, she said Storybrooke was home.

When she held Neal, she was trying to make up for Emma. She imagined holding her baby daughter, getting to see her that young. It's why she broke down crying when Neal had his first real smile.

 _I missed Emma's first smile._

The Mommy and Me class was another memory she wished she could forget. She kicked herself, she should've had Emma pick up Neal elsewhere. That was the worst idea ever.

" _First time mother?" Emma's voice wasn't mad, just confused._

" _Emma, of course I am not a first-time mother!" Snow never felt that she was. She had two children, just because she never got to raise Emma didn't mean…_

" _Well, you kind of are. You never raised a baby before, you just put one through a magical wardrobe."_

That had hurt, a lot. Not because Emma said it, but because it was the truth. She had let her daughter go. Best chance or not, that's what she had done. And it had done a number on her sweet daughter. It made sense why the bottle boiled, she couldn't imagine the pain her daughter had felt.

The telephone pole, just nearly crushing her husband as he pushed the pirate out of the way. The fear she felt. They shared a heart, she had done so much to always save him and protect him. And she had almost lost him. But it wasn't Emma's fault, she had warned them to back away.

" _Emma!"_

It still made her cringe. She had been afraid of her daughter in that moment, something that never should have happened. Talking with Elsa had made her realize, just the type of parent she didn't want to be.

So, she tried, she tried to be the mother that Emma deserved. But so much had been said, so much she wished she could take back. Because now, both mother and daughter were crying.

" _I have no idea how to comfort my own daughter. It is the first thing a mother learns and I don't know how!"_

Snow had learned it with Neal. He calmed down when you rubbed circles on his back and bounced him, when he was sung lullabies. She learned it within just a few days of knowing him.

But she had learned with Emma, too, since Neverland. She learned that her daughter needed hugs, she just didn't know how to ask. Growing up, outside her time with Ingrid, hugs had been in short supply. She didn't know how to say _I need my mom_. All she knew was the pain of being alone.

So, Snow managed to pull Emma out of her chair and onto the floor beside her, so she could hug her. She hugged her as tightly as she could. Emma resisted at first, as she always did when she wasn't the one to initiate it, but soon her arms were wrapped around her mother's body. Both of them sat there, crying. David was at the station, Henry with Regina. The only witness was Neal, who was distracted by his mobile.

"I'm sorry," Snow whispered once they had calmed down some. "I'm sorry that you heard me say that in Neverland, I never wanted you to hear it."

"It's the truth," Emma mumbled, her face in her mother's shoulder.

"I need you to understand what I meant," Snow slowly lifted her daughter's head out, cupping her cheeks. "I didn't mean I didn't want you, Emma. I am so proud of the woman you have become. You are _everything_ I ever wanted in a daughter. This wasn't what I expected, it's more. I don't think I could've raised you to be the person that you are."

Emma sniffled and bit her lip. "Mom…"

"I'm sorry I haven't exactly thought before I speak lately, when it comes to Neal…I guess I just don't know what to say. I wish I could've given you all of this. I wish we could've had all this. And I am so sorry I didn't, I'm sorry that I failed you, Emma. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, that I didn't go looking for you during that lost year. I'm sorry that you were alone all that time and that you thought I was afraid of you. I'm just so sorry."

Their green eyes were locked on each other and for the first time, Emma could see the pain in her mom's eyes. By now, she normally would've moved her mom's hands from her cheeks, but she didn't.

"You don't have a thing to be sorry for, Emma," Snow said, her voice cracking. "I do. And I am so sorry. You are my daughter, my baby girl and I love you."

"I love you too, Mama," Emma whispered.

Mary wiped away her daughter's tears with her thumb and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Just stop…stop beating yourself up for the past," Emma said. Before her mom could interrupt, she held up her hand. "You did what you could, all those times. Please just stop blaming yourself."

Snow bit her lip. "I'll try if you stop doing the same."

The blonde drew back a deep breath. It was always a running joke of who she was more like. She had David's hair, but Snow's eyes and chin. She was like them both personality wise. But the one thing her and her mother definitely had one thing in common…holding onto the past. Maybe, just maybe they could work on it together.

"Okay," Emma said, quietly.

Snow smiled a little. "Okay." She stood up and held out her hand. Emma took it and allowed her mom to help her stand up.

"You should probably get back to Neal," Emma told her.

"Neal's fine, I'm with my other baby right now." She lead her daughter into the kitchen and began to make the hot chocolate.

No, they couldn't turn back time and heal all the wounds, but they had now. Well, now and the future.

* * *

I admittedly cried while writing this, normally doesn't happen. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed! As always reviews are always appreciated. And I do take prompts. =)


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